Being Real

I got halfway through then I started again. I didn't have a choice. There was just too many good things that I just had to go back to the beginning and start afresh, highlighter in hand.

I've been praying fairly often over the last month that God would take my creativity and use it for His glory. After all it's how He chose to make me. He could have chosen to make me any way He wanted; but He gave me this gift of creativity and I'm just so thankful. I haven't always been thankful though. There's been times of trying to stuff down deep inside who I've been made to be, who I really am. There's been many times that I've spat at the mirror speaking ugly lies right to the very core of my being. "You're just worthless", "You're a fat, ugly, stupid cow", "I hate you".

While praying this morning I found myself asking forgiveness for those words that I spoke over myself months ago and had fully believed. I'm not speaking those anymore, but I still needed to ask for forgiveness. 

For to say that I'm not good enough is to say that God's not good enough. To say that I'm a mistake is to say that God makes mistakes. And God simply doesn't. To say that I don't accept who I've been made to be is to say that I don't accept Gods wise designing of the woman He loves.

It crushed my soul. Those horribly cruel lies. I nearly suffocated in the belief of such rot. Right now though? Right now I'm in the process of 'pulling back the layers suffocating the truth of who you (I) really are (am). This book I'm reading and had to start again, it's called 'A Million Little Ways', by Emily. P. Freeman, and the previous quote is found in it. You've probably already read it, it's been blogged about a lot, but I'm a bit slow on the up-take and have only just started it!

You can purchase this book here.

I want this place to be a place where I'm real. Where I share with you from the truth of who I am. But do you know what? I'm terrified. Terrified of being vulnerable. I know that I've met people face to face who can relate to some things and struggles I've been through, but here? Here in this little, but huge world of the Internet? Here's my hesitation. Here's my procrastination. Here is where I struggle to obey in being real. 

All sorts of questions go through my head while I read this book ...

 "Will they accept me?" 
"Will they learn anything from the jibberish that I attempt to make understandable?"
 "Will they shun me when they know I've experienced depression, many times?" 
"Do they see me as being a try-hard blogger?" 

Yet in all this I know that God has made me creative. He has made me to love to write, to love photography, painting, reading, singing, drawing ... I may develop the talents that He gave me, but I didn't get to choose them for myself. 

Not one of us gets to go and select, as from a grocery store shelf, what our giftings are; He gives what He pleases, what He knows is best, and what pleases Him. He gives us what we can use to give Him glory.

"It's time to rescue our beautiful design from the dark grip of doubt and discouragement. 

It's time to remember the Spirit of power and love and a sound mind who lives within us. 

It's time to live as though we have something to offer. 

It's time to release our authentic selves into the world" 

(A Million Little Ways, page 17)

I find myself praying and thanking God so much now for who He's made me to be. I love being creative, and I truly wouldn't want to be made any other way. I absolutely love my God with all my heart. He amazes me and fills me. 

I'm reading this book afresh with highlighter ready so that I don't miss a thing that God reveals to me. I pray before I read books like this, that the truth that God wants me to learn from it will be so clear. Well, He certainly is showing me very clearly. It's confirming to me what God has been saying through my prayers for the last month.

This space, in all honesty, should have very little to do with me, 

and a great deal to do with God. 

Father God,

I love You so much. I adore Who You are and I thank you for what You've done in my life.

Your blessings to me and my family are so many. I give You all of my creativity. I give You all of who You made me to be and I say thank you. Thank you that even in my imperfection, You still choose to use me. Thank you that You saw fit to give me these talents to glorify Your Name. Help me do this more and more. Help me be real here and in my day-to day life, to live out Your Glory in all that I do. Help me speak truth and love and life. You are everything to me. Take my creativity and use it how ever You will. Lead me and guide me with my writing, my photography, my singing and show me how, when and where I am to use them. You are so beautiful, You are so faithful. I love being Yours. I give You everything. In Jesus' beautiful name,

Amen.

I hope you have a beautiful week.